2003-12-11 - 9:38 a.m. - Cycle day:

The Husband had his first real time alone with M. last night. I went to see a friend play a nice, mellow, acoustic gig at a nearby record store, and was gone for exactly two hours. M. had been having a rough day, so I was reluctant to leave, but I also felt like I needed to get out of the house and have some time to myself. I'm not sure if it was ideal for her, since she spent the time after I got back in a state of restless crabbiness and wouldn't go down to sleep until 1 am, but it was definitely a good thing for me to do. I think her mood had more to do with an upset belly, anyway - once she filled up the diaper she'd been waiting all day to fill, she went to sleep almost immediately.

It was hard leaving, though, both physically and emotionally. My milk supply wasn't abundant, so I spent all day trying to pump out a meager three ounces. Not that it mattered much, because she hasn't quite figured out what bottles are for, hence my exact 120 minute return. It was also sort of disheartening to shower and get all prettied up for two hours worth of socializing. I felt a little sad when everyone went to another club after the show and I had to zip right home. I console myself knowing that these months when she needs me so exclusively will not last forever (although that's a depressing thought in its own right), but it's still hard to adjust to the lifestyle change, especially when my daily life now is so isolated.

If anyone has any tips on how to get an exclusively breastfed baby to eat while mom is out of the house, I'd love to hear them. I have few opportunities to spend time with friends and interact like the cool human being some believe me to be, and I'd like to be able to enjoy them without looking at the clock every ten minutes and feeling a knot in my stomach as I imagine her angry hungry face. Although maybe it's naive of me to think I can ever go out and feel like anything other than a mom.

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