2003-11-18 - 10:38 a.m. - Cycle day:

First off, congrats to BabyBaby on the birth of her son! Woohoo! Happy, healthy, healing vibes to the whole family.

I was going to start with an apology for the last entry, but that's just silly. I'm not sorry I felt that way and I'm not sorry I wrote about it. Based on the emails and guestbook entries I've received since then, I'm obviously not alone. I've been trying to figure out the root cause of this seemingly unavoidable inequality when it comes to parenting, and all I can settle on is that there are too many factors involved to blame just one. It's social, it's psychological, it's hereditary, it's hormonal. I caught myself thinking "Damn my mother for making me feel there's some glory in martyrdom, and damn his mother for never showing how hard she was working," and then I kicked myself for reverting to the default "blame mom" position. So damn both of our fathers, too, for teaching us that dads don't have to deal with the boring, exhausting, sloggish parts of parenting. Damn a culture that created the ridiculous, unattainable Modern Mother who not only does it all, but does it all the time. Damn the hormones that pull me toward the baby every time she squeaks, and make me want to throw a rock at The Husband if he ignores her for ten seconds. Damn the lies I believed, like "Men just can't understand," and "This is just what being a mother is about."

So I've damned it all, and then taken a deep breath and tried to talk to The Husband about how I've been feeling, and I've asked him for help. I didn't get into the depths of it, but I pointed out certain things like "On the days when I've given 90% of my caloric intake to the baby, I'm probably less patient as a wife." I think it's sinking in.

In other news, M. is growing up at an unsettling rate. She has quickly moved from batting at objects to deliberately grabbing them and pulling them towards her. This gives her great joy.

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