2003-08-25 - 8:23 a.m. - Cycle day: 39 weeks, 1 day

I had a dream last night, sometime between the 3rd and 4th times I got up to use the bathroom, that I was going into labor. The dream itself wasn't scary, but the sudden recognition that it could become reality any day now was somewhat sobering. Like it wasn't enough that I was waking up every hour and a half, and then had to lie in bed wondering what was waking me up so regularly. And then my stomach mutineed. And then, sometime around 5:30 am, I felt the first sensation that I could reasonably suspect to be a contraction. Suffice to say, I was up for the day after that. I just laid in bed waiting to see what would happen next. And of course, other than getting really, really hungry, nothing happened at all.

I can now see the appeal of scheduled inductions and c-sections. I know the medical risks and everything, but I have to admit that there's something mid-level maddening about waiting for such an enormous event but having absolutely no idea when it's going to happen. Could be tomorrow. Could be in three weeks. They always say that's what parenting's about - learning to let go of your fixed schedule and go with the flow - but it seems a little unfair that we have to embark on this huge adventure without a planned departure time. But I guess that's the way it goes. I've just never been very good at surprises. I have plenty of patience, but very little tolerance for vagueness. I want preparation. I want information. Back in our early courtship, I nearly broke up with The Husband because we saw a magic trick demonstrated and, despite his adolescent dabblings in sleight of hand, he wouldn't tell me how the trick worked. I couldn't stand that. "I know something you don't know" is probably about the most taunting thing anyone can say to me. I don't claim to know everything, but being aware that someone's holding something back from me drives me to great distraction. That's why, now that I'm having internal exams, I'm dying to get to the doctor each week. I don't know what's happening inside my own body, and only he can tell me. All I can do is have dreams where the doula is reassuringly telling me that I'm 5 cm dilated and doing great, and then wake up no closer to my baby than I was when I went to bed.

previous - next