2004-08-01 - 10:38 p.m. - Cycle day:

Things are hard.

On the top of the list, and exacerbating all followers, is the sleep stuff. I thought M. was settling back into a restful routine, but she's just amping up again. Nursing all night, naps all messed up, sometime wide awake at 4 am for no apparent reason. I'm still telling myself that it's developmental and not because she isn't getting enough solid food, because it would just be too frustrating to watch her sweep her entire dinner onto the floor if I connected that behavior to my cracked breasts. Whatever the cause, it's wearing me to the nub (and the nip). I was trying to rock her back down after she startled awake in her tenth minute of napping, and all I could think was "I am so over this." The whole situation is made all the more crushing by the fact that The Husband is able to get her to sleep much, much more easily than I am. I can spend an hour rocking, nursing, singing, restraining, bouncing, shushing, and pleading with her, and she's just more mad and awake than when we started. But if The Husband takes her, even at the beginning of the process, he can get her to sleep within ten minutes. I'm glad he can do it, but the fact that I can't drives me mental.

Maybe that's why I feel like crying way more often than I should. I've just been chalking that up to stress, though. I was on a writing deadline this week, and had a lot of other things going on that messed with my own nap schedule, so on top of the core sleeping issue, it's all been pretty tough to manage.

Did I mention that another tooth is coming through? It's another top one, on the left side. I'm thinking that part of her eating troubles is due to her inability to keep food from popping out of the bottom half of her mouth. She only has one tiny, off-center bottom tooth. She's also reeeeeally close to walking now. The Husband thinks she even took a couple steps the other day - let's say July 29th, for posterity. I don't think it really counts until I see it, though.

The Husband has been quite helpful lately, and we had a nice day yesterday, which was our fifth anniversary (the "wood" anniversary, so we went for a walk in a nature preserve). So I feel bad ruining a potential praise-ridden paragraph to complain, but I'm really starting to worry about his drinking. I don't drink at all and never have, so I feel like my perspective may be off, but shouldn't it alarm me that he'll just drink all evening for no logical (say, celebratory) reason? I was just in the fridge and noticed that there are only 4 beers in there. He bought a 12-pack this afternoon, and I'm sure there were at least a couple already in there beforehand. Eight to ten beers is a lot, isn't it? I mean, if someone drank two and a half bottles of wine by himself that would be a bit much, wouldn't it? I honestly don't know if this is a new thing or if I'm just more aware of it because of the baby. I've always noticed the mood swings, but now I see that they coincide directly with the binges. He never makes it obvious, and I think he deliberately tries to conceal some of it. He'll drink outside while he's cooking and put the cans right into the recycle bin so I have no idea what he's had. Then he'll take the baby for a walk in the dark or have a bath with her and I don't realize until hours later how much danger they could have been in and it makes me feel like throwing up. And then I feel really stupid, because I don't know if I'm over-reacting. And then I feel furious, because maybe I'm not. And then I feel helpless, because I have no idea what to do about it. I come from a long line of alcoholics, which is most of the reason why I don't drink. Maybe I have more tolerance for dumbass drinking than I thought, or maybe I'm just sensitive to it. I really don't know.

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