2004-05-20 - 10:45 p.m. - Cycle day:

I'm starting to feel the warm bile of panic rising in my throat. I only have one more regular paycheck coming, and then ... who knows? People keep asking how the job search is going, and I have to admit that I haven't really been actively searching, but that's not the full story. I've got a pretty good idea of what my city has to offer job-wise, and it's not much. On a purely practical level, I don't feel very confident that I could find something that would pay enough to cover childcare, plus the other costs of working away from home (gas, food, clothes, etc.). On a more emotional level, I can't imagine putting M. in an all-day, full-time daycare situation. That's not what I had in mind when I decided to have a baby, and it doesn't suit me now, either. I don't know if I would have even wanted to get pregnant if I hadn't been working from home. That's the scenario that made sense to me, and although I knew it might not last forever, I at least expected to get through the first year or two of her life before having to think about an alternative.

So now I'm in a position where I'm trying to scrounge up any possible income sources that will allow me to work from home. Helping a friend with a website, freelancing for local magazines, maybe even doing a home-based retail business. I'm trying to focus on the freedom I have rather than getting depressed about taking on multiple jobs just to make ends meet. Still, it seems pretty unfair that I have to worry about paying my student loans back at the same time I'm mourning my career path. A lot of good that fancy private school education did me. I spent my teen years watching my mother schlep off to a job she hated and I went to college so that I wouldn't ever have to be in that position. And now here I am wondering if my soul will be crushed by going into people's homes and trying to sell them mango body lotion. I'm not so snobby that I think any particular job is more worthy of my effort; I just feel discouraged by the gap between what I want and what I think I'll get.

Who knows, though. Maybe I'll pull something amazing together and be the stronger for it. All moaning aside, I'm trying to stay positive, since I'm the only one who can control what happens next. I just need to get past the sadness, and through the maternal panic, to see something productive on the other side.

previous - next