2004-04-18 - 10:41 p.m. - Cycle day:

Here it is, my "me" time. We've gotten into a pattern where The Husband takes M. to bed and then I stay up for another hour or so, sometimes working, sometimes puttering, sometimes just eating ice cream and zoning out on decorating shows. I'm not sure it's a good fit yet. I've always been a night owl, but I don't know if I like crawling into bed after everyone else is asleep. It's pretty sweet to see the two of them all cuddled up, though. It's the most focused time they have together all day. And it's nice to have the break from mothering and wifing (wifeing?). I don't feel pulled to do anything other than what I want to do. I don't feel like anyone's looking over my shoulder or choking down despair until I return. It's almost surreal, this lightness. Like I'm the old me, except so very aware that my time here is brief and valuable.

Random sidenote: I was thinking the other day that one of the most tiring things about being an at-home parent is the constant level of fake enthusiasm that must be maintained. I'm a snarky person by nature. It takes a lot out of me to show pleasure about every single aspect of our daily lives. I'm not scared to admit it: babies are pretty boring. It's not always easy to keep a happy demeanor when you're pushing the same four toys around the carpet for the fifteenth day in a row. But you do it anyway. Or try to, at least.

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