2004-03-09 - 2:25 p.m. - Cycle day:

Just got back from vacation - ten days in Florida with The Husband and M., plus my mom and sister. Coming home was probably the hardest thing I've done in quite a while. It was so nice to have support and help with the baby, and to be in a different setting for a while. I didn't realize how sick I was of the living room walls. And The Husband and I even got to go out to dinner, just the two of us. Part of me wishes we hadn't gone, because it just depressed me to realize how long it would be before that happened again. (M. seems to be in a combination growing/teething stage, and she's nursing sometimes as often as every 90 minutes, so getting a sitter seems pretty pointless and unnecessarily stressful.)

The whopping surge of depressions I felt after coming home did have an upside, though. It was so overwhelming that I knew I couldn't just hide from it, so I've been trying to actively shoo it away by going to breastfeeding support group meetings and other mama gatherings. Just being around other women with that same look of exhaustion and isolation in their eyes is helpful - it's good to know I'm not alone, at least figuratively. It's also a good way to meet people more outgoing than myself, people who ask for my phone number and actually seem determined to get together. I didn't realize how much I needed some empathetic company until I had some. My existing friends are great, but most are single and/or childless and say things like "I don't know how you do it" but never offer to help us out. One friend of mine even said she was jealous of my babysitter because I was so appreciative of her. I was all "Hey, any time you want to come over and watch the baby while I totally ignore you and get other things done, feel free!"

Not much point to this entry, but we're having a pretty tough day and this is an coherent I could be during ten minutes of relative peace. Which are now over ...

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