2004-02-11 - 3:08 p.m. - Cycle day:

So while I'm pretty lucky in that I have a baby who sleeps a decent amount, I also have a baby who has become accustomed to falling asleep in one of two ways: nursing or moving. I figured this out after reading (so far, half of) The No-Cry Sleep Solution. I kept a sleep log for a couple days and noticed a distinct pattern. I hadn't really stopped to think about it, but I realized that the only times she's ever fallen asleep for a nap on her own have been in the car seat or her swing. And she sleeps well at bedtime, but I have nursed her down every night since she was born.

So then I had to ask myself: is this actually a problem for me? For the last five months, I've basically done whatever I had to do to get and keep her asleep during the day so I could get work done. If that meant strapping on the Baby Bjorn or even balancing her on my chest while I stretched around her to reach the laptop on my knees, that's what I did. I didn't have the time to try putting her in the crib or co-sleeper, because I couldn't waste a moment of unconsciousness and I always feared that I'd make her so mad that she wouldn't nap at all. Now that I have a less rigid schedule during the day, I've been trying to set her down more often, but she gets so annoyed and frustrated that I always end up wondering if it's really worth the effort. I mean, if it was feasible, wouldn't most mothers like to hold their sleeping babies? I feel like forcing her to be on her own conflicts as much with my instincts as it does with her own preferences. But on the other hand ... we did successfully get her to take a pre-bedtime nap in her crib one evening, and it was nice to have a few hours of time alone. Of course, when we tried it again the next night, she was on to us and wouldn't go to sleep until after 11.

And then there's the nursing-to-sleep thing. I guess it's not really a problem now because she needs the feeding, but I know that at some point we'll have to find another way for her to understand that it's bedtime. And it would be nice to know that I could leave the house in the evening and The Husband would be able to get her to sleep.

What I keep coming back to, though, is that M. is one of the most content babies I've ever seen, and I feel like at least part of that is due to our symbiotic relationship. I'm totally human and fallible and obviously can't immediately tend to her every need, but I've tried to instill in her the sense that I've got her back.

Speaking of backs, mine is aching. I think she's just about too big for the Bjorn.

Oh, before I go, I wanted to note that we went to a baby massage class yesterday. It was a really nice time and M. seemed to enjoy it a lot (the massage therapist said she was an ideal client). It was fun to meet other moms and babies, too, although I had to keep scolding my inner voice that was judging the other women for giving up breastfeeding so early (one at four months and one at seven weeks). It's so hard not to be a Nursing Nazi. The last thing we as mothers need to be doing is laying that kind of crap on each other. I think those of us who are out of the mainstream feel so defensive about it that we're more likely to judge those who are just doing it "the easy way." Like there even is an easy way.

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